Losing a child is the most devastating experience a parent can go through. Life isn’t supposed to work that way.
Bereaved parents need the love and understanding of friends and family to work through the grief and begin the healing process.
Ten Tips for supporting bereaved parents.
1. Don’t shy away for fear of not knowing the right thing to say or do. It’s a lonely enough time for the bereaved parent as their whole world has been shattered. Bereaved parents need the support of friends and family even more at this difficult time.
2. Let the bereaved parent talk about their loss and listen without interruption or giving words of advice. Saying “I’m sorry for your loss” with a hug is enough. Don’t feel you have to fill the empty silence with endless chatter. Don’t say remarks like “It was for the best,” “It was God’s will” “God loved you a lot to allow such a tragedy to come to you.” Or “Don’t worry, you’ll have another.” These kinds of comments are not helpful at all and make the parent feel even worse.
3. Bringing meals in plastic containers that can be frozen and reheated are much appreciated as parents’ are usually so in shock that food preparation is the last thing on their minds. Offering to look after small children is also much appreciated.
4. If you have books on loss and grief, offer them to the bereaved parents. Encourage them to join a group such as “Bereaved Parents” which have local support groups. If they go to church, suggest that the minister visit and counsel the couple.
5. Encourage the bereaved parent to express their grief openly through talking about it or writing about their feelings in a journal. As time passes, the parent will feel more comfortable looking at photos of their deceased child and will want to share about them with you. Let them. It’s part of the healing process.
6. Be especially patient and understanding about the way that men and women express grief differently. Just because men may be quieter and show less emotion than women doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving. Be extra supportive to a bereaved father who might not have much of a network of friends to support him compared to the bereaved mother.
7. If you know of other parents who have suffered the loss of a child, suggest a meeting. Only those who have gone through the same loss can fully understand the extent of the grief. Also they can offer hope and support to the newly bereaved by showing that they survived and the parents will too.
8. If the child was a baby or very young, be sensitive and refrain from bringing your own small children for a visit. Often the parent can’t bear to see another baby or child as it’s such a painful reminder of their loss.
9. Flowers in memoriam are great but they don’t last. Doing something in the memory of the child is much more meaningful. Why not plant a tree in the child’s memory or donate to a cause that helps children? Or if you are artistically inclined, you could write a poem or paint a picture in the child’s memory.
10. Be patient and supportive with the parent and don’t expect them to snap out of it and get back to normal right away. They will have good days where they seem normal and bad days where they regress again. That’s a normal part of the grieving process.
Be supportive and patient in helping parents cope with their grief. The tragic loss of a child is life changing and in some ways, the bereaved parent will never be the same again.
